This weekend was my baby sister Annie’s wedding.
It was funny (Nicole’s face, the unauthorized baby shower-looking pew bows, Jeremy and Annie massacring their cake as badly as Joel and I did) and grand (Annie’s costume change, the Hummer limo, the live band, how many bottles of champagne?) and just a tiny bit emotional (my lip definitely was a-trembling during the bride’s processional).
And it was my duty as matron of honor to put all those things into a speech. It’s not nearly as epic as Annie’s speech at my wedding earlier this summer, and I was NERVOUS, but I think it turned out OK…
My sister is a tough act to follow… which is why I generally try not to. And when I got married earlier this summer, I thought I’d succeeded.
Then I realized that meant I’d have to follow the maid-of-honor speech she gave at my wedding. And it was epic. Everybody still is talking about it.
So I started thinking about what I possibly could say about my sister, and my first thought was, “Ooh, I could Google ‘maid of honor speech for sisters.’” But then, that’s what Annie did when she wrote my speech. Also, she stole our funniest childhood memory. It involves me yelling “DOOOG!” and the two of us running for our lives up a hill and it’s really funny, I promise you, but I can’t use it now. I cannot even quote “Anchorman.” So I don’t know what to tell you.
I briefly considered just using her speech and flipping the names around, which totally would have worked except for the part when Annie said she had a really adorable baby. No pressure. I will concede you have a really, really, really adorable baby. But, to that, I will say: I have eight hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.
So then I just gave up and Googled “matron of honor speech,” which is totally different than Googling “maid of honor speech.”
I don’t know if you used BridesmaidWords.com, but literally on this website, you put in the bride and groom’s names, and it spits out a speech. It suggested I start like this:
“It’s great to see all of you here to celebrate the wedding of my sister, Annie, and Jeremy. Yes, I AM her sister, although you’ve seen us side by side you would never know it, since I tower over her by at least 12 inches.”
Mmm. Mmm-hmm. I have not been taller than my little sister in, I don’t know, probably 20 years.
So how would I describe my sister? Well, apparently, there was a time neither of us can remember when we didn’t get along so well. Not long after Annie was born, my parents had her lying on the floor — 8 pounds, 6 ounces, newborn baby Annie, don’t even know a word yet — and I came up and stomped on her head.
We do get along now — or at least, I wouldn’t try to stomp on her head now. In my mind, Annie is legend. She is not even kind of a big deal.
She is really, really, really, REALLY good-looking. She always was the cute one — even after I stomped on her head. I am also, according to The Google, supposed to comment on how incredible my sister looks on her wedding day. OK, she looks incredible every day. After delivering her baby, the nurse commented she was the prettiest mother anyone ever had seen at the hospital. She had just had a baby! She was on drugs! That is how pretty she is!
And she is smart. She up and got her Master’s degree. She is not just the cute one, she also is the smart one. I don’t know what that makes me. But I know that makes Jeremy a very lucky man.
She’s also just a lot of fun. She makes me laugh harder than almost anyone, like the time she put the waterwings on her feet in the pool when we were little. Try and picture it. It was really funny. We’ve seen some really great concerts together: We ended up in the front row of a Billy Joel concert at Madison Square Garden. I do not know how that happened, but I suspect it has to do with her good looks. We saw Paul McCartney at Wrigley Field on her birthday this year. In one concert, we saw Ringo Starr, Richard Marx and Gary Wright.
Now here’s the part where I give you an inspirational quote to bring it all home, maybe some marital advice, since I’ve been married now for all of four months, which clearly makes me an expert. So here goes: This is a quote from a well-known scientist. His name is Dr. Ian Malcolm, and he said, “When the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.” I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned about marriage in there. Like, it’s OK if you break down once in a while, just don’t tear each other apart.
Annie, thank you for being my sister. You’re my best friend, and I’m so proud of you. You’re a clever girl.
And Jeremy, and the boys, I will toast you as my sister toasted my husband: “I welcome to you our hilariously awkward family. It’s going to be good times. Please take care of my little sister.”
To Annie and Jeremy! Hold on to your butts!
For more photos of Annie and Jeremy’s wedding, visit my Facebook album.